Size Doesn't Matter
by TurtleFriedRice
Summary: It didn't matter what he now lacked, so long as they both could start moving forward. Angst. Zosan/Sanzo


It was all fun and games. Hell, that's what it was supposed to be. It was an intimate night in an affectionate setting like several others they'd had before, except of course, they couldn't have expected this to happen. Granted, their special nights together weren't exactly the definition of a standard sex night, but they'd never done something too risky.

Fuck, risks weren't even a thought that crossed their minds. Together, they felt unstoppable and only shared the goal of making each other feel desired and worshipped, like they were the most important things to one another, which was undoubtedly true. Unfortunately, however, reality was a lot crueler to them and preyed on their obliviousness. It took the one thing they could do for one another wholeheartedly and made it into nothing less than a nightmare.

At least, that's what Sanji thought of it as. It was the one thing he could even dare to think, the situation so unrealistic to his definition of normal. Nothing in the world could have prepared him for this, no book out there could ease the unsettled flame burning inside his gut about this whole situation. No words could distress the jumbled thoughts and emotions flaring in his mind. Sure, Zoro wasn't dead, but how exactly was he supposed to deal with this? What could Sanji even say?

It had just been a cock ring. A toy they'd used time and time before without any complaints – only ever ending in a euphoric high of white that flashed before their eyes after an orgasmic night of sex again and again. This had been his fault, hadn't it? He just had to be selfish and want a night of his own to be in charge. Sure, he put on his most intimidating face and a sinister grin, but only in foreplay to get his Marimo in the mood, never really with hurtful intent. Yet here he was, next to a hospital bed.

His knobby knuckles lightened and he squeezed his jacket that lay across his lap, conveniently and unconsciously covering his groin, almost protectively. If he had just stopped a few moments earlier when Zoro's expression had changed or if he hadn't taken so long and force Zoro to experience that. It was eating Sanji up alive and he didn't know what to do or even say. Sanji's eyes just scanned the outline of the body snug under white blankets.

Zoro was alive. It seemed like every few moments his mind would allow him to remember that important fact. He was still there, he hadn't lost him forever -pending his overall reaction-, and although the situation took a turn for the bad it could have been so much worse. But the blond couldn't get over the basic fact of the matter and the reality that Zoro might not feel the same. Sanji couldn't even guarantee that if he had been in the same situation he wouldn't feel like that, like although living a big part of who made him, him, was gone.

But that was the work Sanji had ahead of him. He had to make Zoro see that although it most likely definitely felt like it, it was not the end of the world. That wasn't his life, even if at some points it felt like it was, nor was it the reason this cook loved him endearingly enough to wear the band on his ring finger.

Sanji's body stilled when he noticed the shift of movement on the bed and the green hair his eye's had rested on with trained interest shifted and the man of his latest concerns sat up right in the bed. He winced once, when he tried to move himself, but quickly opted not to as his body was evidently sore even through the pain killers surging into his arm. Next those almond and precise eyes, which Sanji had learned to usually love being on the receiving end of such stern and aggravation, shifted over and met his. Only this time there was something different clouding them. Zoro was a proud man, but even he wasn't invincible to hurt.

"You're up?" Sanji choked out. It was humiliating really, but anxiety aside he was exceedingly concerned. Even so, it was a stupid question to break the ice with.

He could hear Zoro maintaining his composure and his breath from here, his chin angling downward as he glanced off to the side. It took him a moment, but he nodded, muttering coherently under his breath.

"I've been." The swordsmen curled his thumb under the blanket, fiddling with it to shift his attention. "Been meditating since before you came in."

As if the situation wasn't awkward enough, the attempt at casual conversation made the air bitter, a burning sensation in Sanji's mouth that reminded him this just wasn't right. Things probably wouldn't be the same for a long while, yet here was the victim himself trying to maintain his usual demeanor. He'd been meditating? Even now, the bastard was trying so hard to stay in line with himself and handle this like any other problem. Before, the cook wouldn't have hesitated to kick him for even trying.

There was nothing weak about it, it didn't need to be dealt with and put aside. If he knew anything from the constant trash TV he'd viewed, he knew dealing with things head on and letting out emotions like anger and anguish were the better options. Unfortunately, this was still Zoro he was dealing with, he set his own rules and standards to be applied to. Even now.

There was an awkward silence and Sanji was beginning to regret just answering his statement with a nod. But what more was there to say? He felt so absolutely useless apart from the part of him that just wanted to punch himself in the face for what had happened. He'd apologize a million times over and over, but Zoro wouldn't have it, he was already sick of the word off the cook's lips and he'd made it clear on more than one occasion he valued the phrase 'actions speak louder than words'. Sanji should instead try and follow any lead given to him instead of begging for any forgiveness.

But that didn't mean he wasn't apologetic about it. His lips were so numb from pressing together as he tried not to. He needed to be strong, like Zoro was being. It was admirable, even if short lived. Sanji never had the opportunity to watch the marimo mourn or deal with grief, he wasn't sure what to expect. Finally, his eyes peeled themselves off the tile floor and back to Zoro, who might have been a few shades paler than before.

The swordsman always had been quicker than him. Before the cook could open his mouth and sprout the things dying to escape, Zoro beat him to it, slouching slightly into himself.

"They said the surgery went fine, I'll be alright," he explained, his voice a bit more raspy than it had been before, something unusual but not unfamiliar when he had to talk so seriously about things personal to himself. Still, he continued to mess with the blanket around him determinedly, as if doing so he could hide the part of himself he didn't want to acknowledge had been taken from him. "Everything will be different… But I'll be fine. It won't be the same, but the general principles and everything working down there…"

It was like he was parroting the words any doctor told him moments before and it squeezed at Sanji's chest. He supposed Zoro couldn't have known, but he'd been told all of this and in great detail much earlier that morning post his surgery when they'd come to update him of his status; an ill-fated 'it's all the same but nothing's the same' outcome.

"Zoro…"

"Don't." The swordsmen's jaw tensed and his eyes shot to the blond. "You never treated me different before, don't start now."

Sanji's face softened. That hadn't been his intention at all, to make him feel different. No matter what, Zoro was still his equal and this did nothing to change his opinion of the marimo. It only made him worry for his partner more considerably than usual and fuck he'd been there when he'd nearly been sliced into two. Zoro's reactions to things of great trauma were very few and highly unpredictable, even to those who knew him best.

"Oi," Sanji began to defend. "No one's said anything about treating you different, Marimo."

Granted, it was really weird and an odd sensation to try and speak even more casually, the more normal the vocabulary became the more the tension around the subject began to fade. It was more comforting now than Sanji had given it credit for before in his inner turmoil. Now they were joined back on the same field of understanding, versus the worried husband and injured Marimo one they'd just been in.

"Good," the swordsmen decided, a look of determination and focus still able to dawn on his face. Whether it was forced or not, Sanji couldn't tell, but it made him feel a bit better, more than his guilty conscious would like.

"This is just a setback. I've gone through worse before." The Marimo made a slight gesture to his scar peeking out the far corner of his hospital shirt's collar. "I got through them, I'll get through this."

Sanji sighed. How was it in the heat of the moment with all the drama and worry, he'd forgotten how stubborn the man he married was. Of course, it was only an appendage that was nearly sacred to majority of the population that had one, but he could ice over the loss of it with a pep talk about his real goals and how that appendage wasn't vital to achieving them anyway. The blond shoved his jacket off himself and onto the arm of the chair before standing up and moving closer to the hospital bed, slightly annoyed already at how little time it took for Zoro to change the mood to something less serious.

But that was his coping technique, wasn't it? Or perhaps, as Sanji's over thinking mind pried into it more, this was Zoro's attempt at trying to get Sanji to cope with it, to make him feel better? Surely, in this whole mess and what he went through, a little part of him wasn't blaming himself? God, they really were idiots, weren't they, two dorks in a pod who instead of the usual blaming of each other (which would be expected taking into account how much they pride on pointing out each other's flaws) would take all the blame and responsibility before allowing the other.

"_We've_ gotten through worse before," Sanji corrected. His sleepless nights making sure this asshole was still breathing would not go unaccounted for. "But you're right and nothing's going to change. It's just a little modification."

That and he wanted to make sure Zoro knew most of all he wasn't upset with this in any way. He would still treat him the same, would still love his stupid ass – since at least that was thoroughly intact – and would be with him through this mess, since honestly it was a little both their fault something like this happened. Both could've done more to prevent it, should they really have tried. It was relieving a bit to think like that, at least for Sanji.

Zoro looked up at him and into his eyes as he approached, his face still calm and his lips drawn into a thin, concentrated line. He made an annoyed growl at the back of his throat at the 'little' modification comment.

"Oi, it was bigger than little, cook." Then he paused, with a long sigh. "What do you really think about this…?"

Sanji rolled his eyes, side hugging his Marimo around his shoulder's, a definite safe distance away from the swordsmen's surgery area. He should definitely enjoy this before Zoro's shock probably wore off and more emotional times would occur to them – but he liked the idea of being themselves and honest to heal.

"When I said I'd find a way to top, this isn't what I had in mind. But it works." He grinned, a little nervously at first, but allowed it to grow when he pulled back to see Zoro's face and see that his attempt at teasing like normally wasn't received in the wrong way.

Zoro snorted, irritably turning his face away. "Just wait, cook. I'm gonna get the biggest fucking strap on and shut you up, just watch me."

* * *

**Author's Note : I'm sorry I just couldn't get this idea out of my head after a friend told me about all the health risks to all these sex toys I couldn't help myself. Kill me if you must XD I tried not to make it to angsty. Granted it's an angsty type story anyway, Zoro's peens been chopped off, but I wanted them to have some sort of normalcy instead of writing just months and months of sad. sorry. sorry not sorry. I thought it was a pretty original idea. Not sure if the info in this first chapter is medically correct and what not (same with mentally Ive never experienced this myself), second chapter out I have consulted with a source though so yeah XD**  
_This was beta'd by MyladyDay. Thank you so much_


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